Be present...

This is the icicle hanging in front of my living room window.
That window is 4.5 feet high and the roof is a good 2+ feet above the top of the window.
  This icicle is PRESENT!

Be present is a phrase that has been going through my head quite a lot lately.  It has been a convicting thought for me. 

I work from home. 

We homeschool.

I am a single parent.

I am physically present.  I am physically present with my kids all day, almost every day - 98% of their life is spent with me.  However, I am not always emotionally or mentally present.  This is my conviction.  It is not good enough, right, or okay to not be emotionally or mentally present for my children.  After all, God entrusted them to my care here on earth, and as humans created in God's image we crave relationship.  When the mental state of our home is me just being there (as in adult on duty) for too many days in a row, it starts to show in my childrens' attitude and outlook on life.  I start to get frustrated with the kids, until I realize, once again, it is my fault.  It is my fault because by my not being emotionally or mentally available leaves them feeling left unattended, which they only know to respond to negatively.  I can't help but compare this to myself: When I "feel" like I don't feel God in my life, I get cranky.  {The difference, this is my fault too!}


Thankfully, it's never Him, my Heavenly Father, who isn't available to me; it's the result of me not making my appointment with Him.  I have learned over the years in my single parenting walk - I don't function without daily time with my Heavenly Father.  Some see my "dedication" and are impressed.  When someone says this to me I always feel really awkward.  Usually, this statement is in a moment of the person who is speaking not feeling good enough.  I often say, my daily time is not really is not a result of my dedication, but of my desperation.  My desperation for my Heavenly Father to carry me through each day.  I am incapable of getting through each day {some days it is each moment & hour} without leaning very heavily on He, who is present. Always, He is present.  He doesn't ever leave us or forsake us {Deuteronomy 31:6 "Be strong and courageous.  Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you.  He will not leave you or forsake you."}.  He promises. 

I am going to work on being emotionally and mentally present with others, namely my children; and in particular when we are home together each day.

Other ways to practice this, with others and our family members:

•      Being with each other: Put the cell on silent when visiting with a friend.  Be with them.

•      Being with each other: You don't always have to answer the phone, text, or emails right then.  Keep them in tight boundaries.  These are tools meant for our convenience, not control us.  If it's an emergency, they'll call back.

•      Being with each other might mean doing projects with my children, not just in the same room.  Such as when doing the bathroom re-do, they worked with me.  In the past I’ve just done it on my own.

•      Being with each other might mean stopping what I'm doing {for the hundredth time} to look at them when they are talking to me.  So I am with them in the conversation.  Really listening.  Not just hearing.

•      Being with each other might be in the form of watching a movie with my kids, not working on the computer while sitting with them and them are watching.

•      Being with each other might be in the practice of cleaning, doing chores, and over all up-keep of our home together.  So we can all enjoy the benefits and feel more fulfilled by taking part in keeping everything running smoothly.

These are all courtesies and evidence of respect I expect; so I need to lead by example.

I am putting a challenge out there for all of us as women, whether it is in our day-to-day life at home or out and about in the community, will you join me in being present?

More changes...

This is not a pleasant post for me to be making and I am requesting no one comment publically; if you want to know more please feel free to talk to me or email me. The subject of home/Christian/public/private/or charter education is one that is a personal decision for each family. I do not care to start or have any public discussions on this subject; my reasoning for making any statement here is to do just that - simply state. I want it clear for all who know my family well or not as well to know exactly where I stand and why I have made the decision I have.

Once again our family is going through major changes – changes I am sure will be used to God’s glory because the decisions have been covered in lots of prayer directly for several months and indirectly for years. I have had to make a decision I feel is huge. Quite honestly, next to going to court this is the hardest thing I’ve done in my life and the hardest day is yet to come. I have enrolled my children in school. This is temporary; it is just for this year until I finish my associates degree. One week from today I will take my children to school for the first time in our lives. For the first time ever I am not deciding what school supplies they need, I am not deciding what they will learn, what we will start with, how our days will “look”; they need school clothes; and we need appropriate food in the house for making packable lunches for multiple days at a time [I totally have absolutely no idea how to do this! – we have always eaten what we want at the moment and most often just heat up leftovers].

I am a home school mom at heart. I have always said I will home school as long as it is working for us, this is not an indication of home school not working for us. There just simply is not enough of me to be the best single mom, home school mom, full-time student, and part-time employee to go around. Being a home school mom is the one element that could change with the least amount of long-term consequence. I should be done with my degree in April -Lord willing we will be back to home schooling next year.

This has honestly been a heart-wrenching process on multiple levels for me. Registration day was earlier this week and filling out all the paperwork was truly a nightmare – I can’t really put my finger on why, other than wondering “why on earth do they need to know all this information about us?!” I am keeping this explanation fairly short and simplistic because I don’t have the energy to say more - emotionally, mentally, or physically without rambling. I am hoping and praying to be a better mom than I have been over the last year and for the grace of God and love of Christ to spill out of us onto others in this process.

Although I said in my last two posts I have prayed Jeremiah 29:11-13 most consistently over the last 10 years. That verse is why I have the confidence to go forward with this plan, but this is the verse I am clinging to most desperately right now. Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. I Thessalonians 5:18

Be joyful always ~ can’t say I’ve done very well at this, especially not lately.

Pray continually ~ this to me is a no brainer, I could not function without my complete dependence on Christ. I have learned over the last 10 years that I do not function at all without an ongoing connect thru prayer, it is how I cope each and every day. I don’t make decisions well, big or small.

Give thanks in all circumstances ~ it really doesn’t say for everything, but in everything. I am working hard to remember this right now. Some days are good, I can give myself an attitude check in the morning and it lasts – lately not so much…

This is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

This is written very simply and rather clearly. It does not say be joyful when times are good, fun, and easy; pray only when times are hard, you need extra help, or if you’re confused; and give thanks when you feel thankful; this is a suggestion from God and the best you can expect from Jesus Christ.

My girl turned 10 today!!

I don't want to believe my baby is 10! I am in serious denial of how fast time is flying. It is NOT okay with me, not even in the littlest bit. (Okay, now that is hopefully out of my system....) As I mentioned in my previous post, my prayer for my children for many years now has been:

Jeremiah 29:11-13

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

I will be found by you."

As a single mom I am counting on this, He is faithful and I am thankful.

6 months

For the most part you really were a happy baby.

At 2 you loved to be the center and dance. In this photo I can still hear you saying "Me?!" You were so pleased to be noticed. (this is at Matt & Samantha's wedding, ignore the bad lighting - it's a photo of a photo in a frame)

At 3 - you have a wonderful smile and bright eyes.

You really are a joy to have around.

This was the summer you turned 5.

You have always wanted to do what your brother was doing. He was fishing and you wanted to fish so badly too. He found wire, made the shape of a hook & put licorice on the "hook" - you fished for hours by his side and you were so proud.

At 7 - I love this photo of you! You needed to be wearing pants and rubber boots for life - but those didn't twirl, so you wore a dress too...and a sweatshirt and vest - even though it was not cold. But this is you, in your mind it made sense and there was no changing. I was just happy it looked cute on you!

When you do something, it is usually very thorough and with your whole heart.

This is one of my favorite photos of you. You didn't want your face in the water - but you needed goggles on. It took you a while to get all of this situated, but once you did you were so content!

You can enjoy the most simple of activities as well. This is you just watching the bubbles float into the sunset and the surfers on the beach.

You are not too proud to love your baby doll, express yourself, or enjoy what is going on at any moment. I was at a moment of heightened stress traveling from Arizona to Alaska (you can read about the day here.), but when I turned around I could find you at a glance and I so appreciate the memory of your laid back, positiveness.

At 8 and a half.

You are beautiful my girl! You still love everything girl, but will go play in the mud in your dress up clothes with no hesitation too.

At 9 and a half...and then there are the times you know you know exactly what you want, and you don't want to back down or give it up. It took forever to actually track down this pink cowboy hat - but you did come home with it. Our first trip home from Arizona was with the pink tiara, second trip home from Arizona you wore the pink cowboy hat and security still seems to stop us every time! As if they really take me as a serious threat?! These are 10 of my favorite photos of you that each have special memories attached and so thoroughly show who you are.

(more updates later, but this is just too sweet to not put here tonight)

10:30pm tonight....You were a girly, girl all day, then added the camo face paint after 9pm - you are such a goof - a total dork and we love you just the way you are.

You want to serve, you work hard, you are thorough, and truly helpful.

Here you are at the end of your special day. I believe today is a day you will never forget. You will never go back to single digits, you received so much love I believe your heart was filled to the brim.

My little girl, you have always been blessed to have good, God-fearing guys in your life.

Bumpa and Uncle Matt had gone to bed, Uncle Zach is in the Philippines and Jeremy was busy. Your birthday was a full and blessed day, you were tired and didn't know what to do with yourself - so you climbed into Uncle Nate's lap.

CJ's Birthday

Can you tell we might be a little partied out around here?
This is the birthday girl & she looks like I'm making her celebrate! :)

This is better - her table decorations & a pretty smile.

A glittery card from a glittery Bumma to a glittery girl.

Can you say 'Fancy Nancy'? This is a saying in our family, those of us who aren't 'fancy' say it frequently. As far as mom & CJ are concerned there are many things that can't be too fancy. We don't even like tinkerbell - but look at her grin because 'it's glittery'!

I think the gift Christine will remember for all of her life....Bumpa gave her her own fishing pole, a good pole. But wait - it's HOT PINK?! and there's more - it LIGHTS UP when you reel it!!!!!!!!!! Vince considers this a disgrace to fishing, but CJ could not have been happier. (Can you say, seriously 'fancy nancy'?!) :)

For Christine's birthday last year dad gave her a 'fairytale cottage' cake mold... He apologized to me last year because he knew it would involve me. Yes, I made it last year. The non-frosted gingerbread house version shown on the picture. I cleaned it well & tucked it away - hoping, hoping, hoping she'd forget about it or for sure at least not want the same cake 2 years in row. Not so, last week she asked where the mold was & said she wanted a pink and purple cake. My only thought was "Yuck - the house again and it had to be pink & purple?" I put it off & avoided making it until today, hoping she'd change her mind at the last minute. Nothing doing, so here is the 'Shabby Chic' ugly-not-so-fairy-tale'ish cottage, and it's pink with purple trim (the green things are 4 large trees on each corner of the house). By the time I got done with frosting this thing my thoughts were running along the lines of "What a horrible, mean person to think up this idea of 3D molds? Why didn't they have any thought or consideration for the poor mothers who'd get stuck frosting these things! ... or, Ugghhhh, the Bumpa's that fall for the gimick and buy these horribly-cute-in-the-picture-only things?!..."

(yes, you are seeing 3 different outfits. yes, all these pictures are today. these are just the ones when I took pictures, there were a couple others-besides the 3 sets of jammies in all worn today. it was her day, so I said nothing -- to her...)

I can not believe my baby is 9! It is weird to think I have 2 school age children, (not just school age but 1/2 way thru elementary school!) they are no longer preschoolers. Yes, I know they haven't been preschoolers for a long time, but my mind still has them there. I want to keep them there. I wanted them to grow up with a daddy, not with just me as their parent. I have had a lot of thoughts about my kids not growing up with a dad in their early formative years and what repercussions the 3 of us will have the opportunity to live through as a result. I can't control the outcome & I have to work at not letting these thoughts overwhelm me. I'm not to live with a spirit of fear, but I also want to go forward with my eyes open, with some idea of what to do. I like a specific list of what to do. There is a verse I read a couple weeks ago & it has stuck with me.

Ps 138:8 "The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O LORD, endures forever - do not abandon the works of your hands." This has been very confirming & comforting to me - He will fulfill his purpose for me. It goes well with a passage I've been hanging onto for 9 years now. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you." (Jer 29:11-14)

• He will fulfill His purpose for me. (Each of us.)
• He has a plan for me. (He has a plan & He will fulfill.)
  
• A plan to give me hope and a future. (Is there any better hope than knowing our future includes spending eternity with Him?)
• Then I will call upon Him, pray to Him and he will listen to me. (He listens & hears me!)
  
• I will seek Him with all my heart and He promises I will find Him. (He promises I'll find Him when I seek Him)

WOW! The God of all creation, the ruler of the universe, my Heavenly Father, my Saviour has promised He has a plan for me & He will fulfill His purpose with me. My part, seek Him first.

This is huge - I don't need to 'do something' to make certain things in my life happen. I seek Christ first and all else will fall into place. This doesn't mean I don't act responsibly or do my best- but it isn't up to me! Thank you, Heavenly Father for this provision. A provision I've taken for granted, not fully understood, still don't fully understand. You have a plan & You will fulfill your purpose. Use me. I want my actions & words to glorify You & You alone. Thank you for being the father to the fatherless. Thank you I do have my dad & brothers in my kids' lives. Thank you they are men who desire to live for You. Help me to teach the children You have entrusted to me to walk in Your paths, to seek You first, to rest in You.