Book Break - Captivating #9

As I've stated before, my hope is you will be curious and intrigued to the point of checking this book out (in its entirety) for yourself.   {Please note: these are all direct quotes from the book, Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge.}

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Captivating

Chapter 9 ~ Arousing Adam

*      (pg 149) True femininity arouses true masculinity.

*      Think about it – all those heroes in all those tales play the hero because there is a woman in his life, a true Beauty who is his inspiration.  It’s that simple and that profound.

*      True femininity calls forth true masculinity.  We awaken it, arouse it in a way that nothing else on earth even comes close to.

Adam’s Wound

*      If you watch little boys for any length of time, you’ll see how deeply the Hero is written on their hearts.

*      When they become teenagers, young boys take on an air of independence and bravado that can really drive moms nuts.  It looks arrogant and defiant, but it is their masculine strength emerging in an awkward stage.

*      A man’s deepest wounds come from the way Question was answered in his youth.  Just like yours. Every man is wounded.

*      (pg 150)  In the case of violent fathers, the wound is given directly.

*      Passive fathers also wound, often leaving the boy’s Question unanswered.  His silence leaves a vacuum for fear and doubt to fill. 

*      I was afraid that in fact I was just a boy in a man’s world, and I kept overachieving to prove I was a man.

*      Adam’s sin and Adam’s woundedness come together to result in the passivity or the drivenness you find in so many men.

*      You won’t begin to understand a man until you understand his Question, his wound and how Adam also fell.

*      His search for validation is the driving force of his life.  Just like yours.

Standing in Love’s Way

*      (pg 151)  In Wild at Heart I warned men that the greatest obstacle to loving a woman was this: too many men take their Question to Eve.  They look to her for the validation of their souls.

*      It happens usually around adolescence, this fatal shift.  The father has been silent or violent; his chance to redeem his son is nearly gone. 

*      It’s a fatal shift.  So much of the pornography addiction for men comes from this.  It’s not about sex – it’s about validation.

*      If he hasn’t found that deep validation he needs from God, he’s a sitting duck.

*      Masculinity is bestowed by masculinity.  It cannot come from any other source. 

*      Yes – a woman can offer a man so much.  She can be his ezer, his companion, his inspiration.  But she cannot be the validation of his soul. 

*      As men, we have got to take our Question to God, to our Father in heaven.  Only he knows who we truly are.

*      A man goes to Eve to offer his strength.  He does not go to her to get it.

*      Now, the same holds true for you, Eve.  You cannot take your Question to Adam.  You cannot look to him for the validation of your soul.

*      But so many women do.  If I have a man, then I’m okay.  Then I’m loved.  It happens around adolescence for woman too.  The time for her father to speak into her life begins to wane.

*      (pg 152)  A new window opens up – boys.  And if her father has not been there for her, she is starving for love, and she’ll give herself to boys in the hope of finding it.

*      The shift, at its root, is simply this: they have taken their Question to Adam.  It is a deadly shift.

*      Eve was made for Adam…There is an incompleteness that haunts us, makes us yearn for one another.

*      No man can tell you who you are as a woman.  No man is the verdict on your soul.

*      The ache is real.  But the verdict is false.  Only God can tell you who you are.  Only God can speak the answer you need to hear.  That is why we spoke of the Romance with him first.  It comes first. It must. It has to.  

*      Now, yes, in a loving relationship, we are meant to speak to one another’s wounds.  In love we can bring such deep joy and healing as we offer to one another our strength and beauty.

*      (pg 153)  We can – and should – offer this to one another.  This is one way love helps to heal our mate’s wounds.

*      But our core validation, our primary validation has to come from God.  And until it does, until we look to him for the healing of our souls, our relationships are really hurt by this looking-to-each-other for something only God can give.

*      Complicating matters further is the curse upon Eve…There is an ache in Eve now that she tries to get Adam to fill.  There is an emptiness given to her to drive her back to God, but she takes it to Adam instead.

*      No matter how much Adam pours into your aching soul, it’s never enough.  He cannot fill you. 

*      Every woman has to reckon with this – this ache she tries to get her man to fill.  In order to learn how to love him, you must first stop insisting that he fills you.

*      We cannot love Adam while we are looking to him to validate us.

*      If he’s the verdict on us as a woman, we won’t be able to truly and freely offer him our beauty.  We’ll hold it back in fear.  Or, we’ll give ourselves over to him in inappropriate ways, in a sort of sexual or emotional promiscuity, desperate for his attention. 

*      And we won’t be able to confront him and stand up to him when he needs that from us as well.

How Does a Woman Love a Man?

*      (pg 154)  “How does a woman best love a man?”  The answer is simple: seduce him.

*      She allures her man.  She hopes to arouse him and invite him to come to her and enter her.  In an act of stunning vulnerability she takes life’s greatest risk – offering her unveiled beauty to him, opening herself up to him in every way.

*      That is how we make love.  Femininity is what arouses his masculinity.  His strength is what makes a woman yearn to be beautiful.

*      It’s that simple, that beautiful, that mysterious, and incredibly profound.

*      The beauty of a woman is what arouses the strength of a man.  He wants to play the man when a woman acts like that.  You can’t hold him back.  He wants to come through.  And this desire is crucial.  Don’t you want him to want to come through for you?  Not to be forced to, not because he “ought to”.  But because he wants to come through. 

*      (pg 155)  A woman wants to feel beautiful.  The strength of a good man makes her feel so.  A man wants to feel strong.  The beauty of a good woman makes him feel so.  This principle plays out far beyond sex and marriage.

The Holy, Scandalous Women of the Bible

*      There are five women mentioned in the genealogy of Jesus.  Now, that might not strike you as a big deal, until you understand that women are never mentioned in those genealogies.  It’s always men.

*      These women are so important to God that he has the writer break all cultural norms and even open himself to criticism and dismissal in order to make a point: “Look here – these are really good women.”

*      What distinguishes these women?  Different situations, different acts of obedience.  Yet the common theme is this: Courage, Cunning, and Stunning Vulnerability.

*      (pg 156)  Mary is an amazing young woman. Maybe fifteen or so. She accepts the mission God brings to her even though it will cost her dearly.

*      She is virtuous, but her choice will be seen by others as scandalous all her life.  She makes herself vulnerable – staggeringly vulnerable (she could be stoned for this; certainly she will be abandoned and ostracized) – in order to follow God.

*      Tamar’s story is difficult and beautiful, one we haven’t time for her. But one worth wrestling with.  (Genesis 38)

*      She uses cunning in the face of men who are failing her badly in order to expose their sin and invite (not demand) them to come through.

*      Rahab is another scandalous story.  She’s the woman who committed treason in order to walk with God and save her family.

*      And there is Ruth.  This is how I explained her story in Wild at Heart:

- She seduces him.

- (pg 157)  Ruth takes a bubble bath and puts on a knockout dress; then she waits for the right moment.

- That moment happens to be late in the evening after Boaz has had a little too much to drink.

- The man is drunk, which is evident from what he does next: pass out.

- What happens next is simply scandalous; the verse continues, “Ruth approached quietly, uncovered his feet and lay down.” 

- There is no possible reading of this passage that is “safe” or “nice”.  This is seduction pure and simple – and God holds it up for all women to follow when He not only gives Ruth her own book in the Bible but also names her in the genealogy.

- I’m telling you that the church has really crippled women when it tells them that their beauty is vain, and they are at their feminine best when they are “serving others.”  A woman is at her best when she is being a woman.

*      (pg 158)  The principle of the story is what matters here.  Ruth takes a risk – a risk every woman knows – when she makes herself vulnerable and alluring to Boaz.  She arouses him to play the man.  She awakens his desire to be the Hero.  That’s the point.

Emasculating Women

*      Women pretty much fall into one of three categories:  Dominating Women, Desolate Women, or Arousing Women.

*      {emasculating woman} She needs nothing from her man.  She has life under control.  She wears the pants in the family.  Her message is clear:  “You are weak and untrustworthy.  I am strong.  Let me lead and things will go fine.”  The effect on a man is not good. 

*      When a woman becomes controlling and not in the least vulnerable, her seductiveness is shut down.  The message is, “Back off – I’ll handle this.”

*      (pg 159)  Softness is key to a woman.  Not weakness – softness.  Tenderness.

*      Emasculating women send a clear message:  “I don’t need you.  I refuse to be vulnerable and inviting.  You have nothing to offer me.”

Desolate Women

*      She is not harsh – just shut down from years of living with a selfish, domineering pig of a man.  She looks like a whipped puppy, rushing to please him in any way, not out of love but out of fear and some weird idea of submission.  She is depressed.

*      The typical Church Lady.  She’s actually quite beautiful, but she dresses in such a way as to hide it. Bag-shaped dresses, hair in a bun.  Her heart is also shut down.  She hides behind her prayers and her “good works of service.”  She is weary and tired.

*      Desolate women don’t seem at first pass to be all that emasculating.  They don’t attack or dominate.  But neither do they allure. 

*      (pg 160)  Their message is simply, “There’s nothing here for you.”  The lights are off; they have dimmed their radiance; no one is home.

*      A man in her presence feels…uninvited.  Unwanted.  It’s a form of rejection, emasculation to be sure.  But it’s harder to point out because it’s so subtle.

*      Desolate women can also be those whose ache is what defines them.  Women who will do whatever it takes to get a man.

*      She’s available – but in a clingy, desperate way.

*      Their message to men is, “I need you too much.  Please tell me who I am. Fill me.”  Men use women like this – but they do not love them.  They do not feel challenged to be a Hero.  Desolate women do not call the men in their lives to be Heroes.

Arousing Women

*      (back up to pg 158 under Emasculating Women)  The third is a woman whose femininity is being restored by God and who offers it to others.

*      (pg 160)  {Caroline in Enchanted April}softens, becomes tender and vulnerable.  She no longer resents her beauty, but offers it gently, almost shyly, which for her is repentance.

*      Lottie and Rose {from Enchanted April} gain a sense of self.  They become substantive, able to offer their men a real mate, not a doormat.  They, too, become alluring; being less shy is repentance for them – no longer hiding but coming forward in a gentle way.

*      What severity and domineering and hiding and whining could not do, beauty does.  Their men come forth as good men, repentant men.  Heroes.

*      (pg 161)  An arousing woman is one who calls forth the best in a man by offering who she is as a woman – someone who offers her beauty, her true heart, as we described in the last chapter.

*       A strong and self-confident woman, she is also soft and inviting.  Her message to him is, “You are an amazing man.”

*      However it is expressed in the uniqueness of your own femininity, arousing Adam comes down to this: Need him.  And believe in him.

*      That is what a man needs to hear from his woman more than anything else.  I need you.  I need your strength.  I believe in you.  You have what it takes.

Loving Fallen Men

*      Granted, not every man is on the road to redemption.  There are men out there who are not safe and good men.

*      How do you love them?  With great wisdom and cunning.

*      Jesus said, “Do not throw your pearls to pigs,” (Matt 7:6)… He was saying, “Look – be careful that you do not give something precious to someone who, at best, cannot recognize its beauty, or at worst, will trample on it.”

*      Consider you feminine heart and beauty your treasure, your pearls.

*      A woman can test and see if a man is willing to move in a good direction be offering a taste of what is available with her if he does.  She does not give everything in a moment. 

*      (pg 162) As God does, she allures and waits to see what he will do.

*      (pg 163)  How generous and lavish God is with his beauty toward us.

*      “You will…find me when you seek me with all your heart” (Jer. 29:13).  That is a good way for a woman to live as well.  Not defiant, not hiding, but alluring and watching to see if he wants to come closer.

Single Women

*      They {Mary, Rahab, Ruth, and Tamar} also stand in stark contrast to some of the messages of “purity” given single women today. 

*      As one young woman wrote to us, “I am afraid that I and numerous other women have interpreted womanly purity as ‘completely ignore the man you are interested in until he proposes to you.’”  And why, then, would he propose to you?

*      Of course a woman should be alluring to the man she is attracted to.  A smile, a tenderness, an interest in him and his life are natural and welcome. 

*      (pg 164)  To look your best; awaken him to your presence.  Yes, you can offer beauty to him – in gently increasing amounts a he pursues and comes closer.  And yes, there are parts of you that should be held as mysteries until he fully commits, and you offer yourself to him on your wedding night.

*      Don’t offer everything, but don’t offer nothing.

*      How much, and when?

*      Walk with God.  Be a wise and discerning woman.  Be aware of the issues that could cause you to hold back or give too much.  Be aware of the issues in him that could cause him to look to you for his validation or become paralyzed.  Invite, arouse, and maintain your personal integrity.

*      Be careful you do not offer too much of yourself to a man until you have good, solid evidence that he is a strong man willing to commit.  Look at his track record with other women.

*      A lot of questions, but your heart is a treasure and we want you to offer it only to a man who is worthy and ready to handle it well.

Good Men that Do Not Belong to You

*      (pg 165)  The way femininity can awaken masculine strength – and the way a good man’s strength allows a woman to be beautiful – these can be offered in all sorts of holy ways between men and women who are not married to one another.

*      Far too long we have lived in a culture of fear in the Church, fearing that any relationship between men and women will end in an affair.  Sadly, we have forsaken so many opportunities to call one another forth with the grace of our genders.

*      His strong, kind presence awakens their beauty.  In some sense it is God saying to them, “This is available –not here, in John – but this kind of man is available.  Doesn’t that awaken your heart as a woman?”

*      (pg 166)  As a man comes alive, the women in his world will experience and enjoy his strength, the power of his masculine presence.

*      As a woman comes alive, the men in her world will experience and enjoy her beauty, the richness of her feminine presence.

*      Yes – this exchange of strength and beauty will be a test of character.  When something is awakened in us by another man or woman, we do have a choice in that moment.  We choose to accept the awakening as an invitation to go find that with our man or woman.  Or to pray, if we are single, that this sort of man or woman will come to us from God’s hand.

*      Remember our answer to the question “How do I love a man?”  Seduce him.  The sexual connotation of “seduce” may have some of you struggling still with all those situations in which sexual intimacy is not appropriate.  We mean it as a principle, a picture of how femininity can arouse masculinity in many, many ways.

*      Perhaps you have heard the old story, attributed to Aesop, about the argument between the North Wind and the Sun.  It might help you get past your concern.

The North Wind and the Sun had an argument one day.  They disputed which of them was the stronger.  A traveler came along the road at that time, and the Sun suggested a way to resolve the argument.  Whoever was able to cause the traveler to remove his coat would be the stronger.  The Wind accepted the challenge and the Sun hid himself behind a cloud.  The Wind began to blow.  (pg 167) Yet the harder he blew, the more the traveler clutched his coat about himself.  The Wind sent rain, even hail.  The traveler clung even more desperately to his coat.  Finally, in despair, the Wind gave up.  The Sun came out and began to shine in all his glory upon the traveler.  Quite soon the man had removed his coat.  “How did you do that?” asked the Wind.  “It was easy,” said the Sun, “I lit the day.  Through gentleness I got my way.” (“The North Wind and the Sun”)

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How about you?

Does this help you see yourself, and help understand why you do what you do?

How about understanding the men around you, can you see how their actions are demonstrative of the questions addressed in this chapter?

Disclaimer:  I have not been compensated for anything in this post.